Last night, I was up late texting with my ex. Quick back story: We dated over 5 years ago, and he broke my heart, and to his credit he has since apologized more then a few times and admitted it was his fault. We texted for over five hours going back and forth about everything and anything...we have this amazing relationship with each other where we can actually be our true selves and discuss everything, which is a rarity.
Talking or texting with him always makes me feel happy on a different type of level. He is not trying to impress me with fake anecdotes or stories, and we always laugh our asses off making fun of the recent weirdos we dated. We compliment each other and genuinely appreciate all the attributes we each possess. Of course we constantly flirt with each other and reminisce over all the amazing details of our past relationship: How and where we met, the name of the movie we rented on our second date, how we felt about each other etc...
The other night I was watching 'Friends' and the episode playing was the one where Rachel wants to tell Ross that she loves him, but Monica keeps trying to prevent her from doing it because he is married to Emily. The entire time I watched that episode I sware I heard Jennifer Anistons' voice in my head, but my mouth saying, "____ I still love you." The thing is my ex and I tell each other we love each other all the time, not the I am in love with you type of love, but the I have seen you naked, broke your heart, you hated me, and then we became friends type of love.
If I bump into someone on the street I have no qualms telling them I'm sorry, or when I need to stick up for myself at work I easily do so, and if the bartender skimps on my drink I will let him know no problem, but when it comes to telling someone how I feel about them, I am admittedly a total wimp. Telling someone how I feel-and I have written about this before-is the hardest thing I can ever do. Back to my ex...It actually took me all these years just to tell him that I was totally in love with him when we were dating and that he broke my heart. Ugh, why can't I be like normal girls? You know the ones that are constantly talking about their feelings and holding "Sister Circles". No, I had to be Miss. Independent the one who needs no one and pushes everyone away out of my own neurosis and fear.
Okay so I am totally terrified to tell him that I think he's amazing and not just amazing as a person, but amazing for me. That the friendship we have built over the past six years means more to me then I let him know. And that I love everything about him even though I tease him relentlessly, which in reality is like when you were in grade school and a boy punched you in the arm because secretly he really liked you, but was way to wimpy to tell you.
Maybe I'll let another six years go by before I say anything, or one day the irrational fear I hold will dissipate, but until then I will hold my thoughts and feeling to myself and not rock the perfect friendship boat we have been sailing in for so long. I'm not really a boat rocker per say I'm more of a sailor who coasts along until the other passenger decides to change things up, but the next time my girls and I are at the bar you better be sure the bartender will not short change me on my drinks! Twitter: @AwkwardGirlLA